The Suffering I Cause Others

I think the two people I hurt the most through my fucked up actions are, ironically, the people I probably care the most about in Portland (my wife and N).

The former is still talking to me but is traumatized from watching me nearly kill myself and is now moving forward with the expectation that I’ll be dead within 2-3 months. Conversations with her are very disconcerting, as she asks me to help her to put plans in place for how things will happen when I die in the near future. On the plus side (I guess), she does acknowledge that my prospects look much better if I make it through the next 80 days without trying to slam deadly amounts of heroin and meth into my bloodstream.

The latter is very much an unknown. We cared for each other a great deal before this happened. I still care about her and am appalled that I have done something that may have seriously traumatized her as well. I am still in the process of trying to show some compassion to myself with respect to what I did. As much as it pains me to consider it, I am entertaining the possibility that she will never forgive me and will never speak to me again. I’m giving her time and space at this moment. I don’t know when I should try to reach out to her.

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