My Refuge Recovery meeting starts in 5 minutes and I am back in the all too familiar territory of grappling with thoughts of killing myself.
Looking back two weeks ago, I am starting to think that doing the enormous quantity of drugs that I did during my brief relapse may have actually been a (subconscious) suicide attempt. I mean, rationally I knew going into the evening that the amount of heroin and meth I had procured could easily kill me (and nearly did).
Now, it’s starting to feel like that may have been a dry run.
[Meeting is starting]
Ok. So, the meeting has been over for about 90 minutes now. I’m in a much better headspace than I was before (not that it could’ve gotten much worse). All these things I’m feeling are transitory in nature and will pass, if I let them. It’s just a matter of remembering that and getting used to sitting with the discomfort instead of acting out. My mentor actually called on me to share during the meeting and I’m glad he did. If I hadn’t gone, and gotten shit off of my chest, I am 90% certain that I would’ve self-harmed when I got home (once a cutter, always a cutter!) and that’s really not a can of worms I can afford to reopen just now.