I’m finally home after what has been, arguably, one of the longest days of my fucking life. I’ve stopped to take stock of where I’m at and what’s going on with me and my drug addiction, while clearly the most ‘clear and present danger’ to my well-being, really is just a symptom of what is truly wrong with me. Even my bipolar disorder, which leaves me alternately bouncing off the walls or abysmally suicidal, is relatively infrequent and, generally, manageable with medication. No. What I struggle with day-to-day and is, in my opinion, responsible for all my addictions (drug, process, people, etc) is fucking borderline personality disorder.
Check out the symptoms in the DSM sometime. You need to present 5 of the 9 to be a borderline. I’ve got them all (though they do vary in intensity). And they have made my life a living hell.
I don’t know what to do about it any more. I need to be fucking locked away in some sort of residential program that specifically targets borderlines. I’m fairly certain that, if I can get that sort of treatment (if such a thing even exists), then all my ‘acting out’ symptoms (drug abuse, purging, cutting) will quickly become manageable. It would also help me come to grips with some of the less visible things making my life miserable (no sense of self, crazy intense interpersonal relationships, the occasional paranoid delusion — remember, ‘borderline’ earned it’s name for straddling between the neurotic and psychotic).
Since I’m planning on putting myself away for 2-3 months, insurance permitting, I might as well do it right. I think it’s time to start looking to see if such a place exists…