My traditional eating disorder pattern is to slowly ramp up bulimic behavior over the course of several months until… Wham! I stop eating. Now I’ve basically been bulimic, on and off (more on, than off) for the last 14 months, with a brief flirtation with anorexia before going into residential treatment for substance abuse and the eating disorder this summer.
The last several days has seen me eating later and later each day, followed by purging once I finally put something in my stomach. Right now, it’s nearly 10pm and I have eaten nothing today. I also am not hungry and have no interest in eating.
One of the things I like about being anorexic, and I’ve only been there a couple of times, is that I actually start looking physically ill. I mean, I’m pretty sick, mentally, but for the most part, the pain I’m in never has any sort of physical manifestation. I find it validating to actually get external acknowledgement that “Yes, you look sick” since my illness usually stays well hidden away in my head.
And now, I’m going to watch a little ‘ED porn’ (I’m thinking, “To the Bone”). I guess that’s roughly equivalent to me watching “Trainspotting” or “Requiem for a Dream”, when I’m actively using drugs. At that point, while certainly not doing anything for my recovery, it certainly doesn’t make anything worse.
Plus (and this is pure, unhealthy ego), if I do need to go in for residential treatment, I want it to be for my eating disorder… and I want to be visibly underweight when it happens.