(False) Sense of Control

I’m coming up on 48 hours since I last put any food in my body. Yesterday, walking around the mall, I was a bit dizzy and light-headed. It’s a bit early for that sort of thing to be coming on but, given that I’ve been purging most of what I’ve eaten for the several days leading up to this period of restriction, I guess stuff like that is bound to happen.

Anyway, not eating gives me a feeling of power. When I get like this, it isn’t actually all that hard not to eat. In fact, I expect I will shortly transition to having difficulty making myself eat at all. I try not to think about that second part though. Not eating numbs me out, not unlike using drugs. If I don’t think too hard about it, I feel like I’m in control of the decision to not eat… at a time when I feel like I don’t have control over much of anything.

The plan is, if I make it a couple more days without eating, to maybe have a small tub of yogurt (or something similar) on Friday. In the past, I’ve always been good about making myself eat, at least a little bit, after heavily restricting for about 4 or 5 days. I’ve never gone more than 5 days without eating. I’m not so sure about this time. I know it wouldn’t be good, but if I do make it to Friday, I’m seriously considering just pushing on and see exactly how long I can go without eating. I should note that I am getting a couple hundred calories of energy every day via the milk I put in my coffee (so, it’s not a true zero-calorie fast… but close enough). I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I could eat something today. I really don’t know…

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