I’m imploding. I’m not using drugs, but am currently self-sabotaging in just about every way I can think of.

My ED is fucking out of control. I’m cutting. I even think that I’m trying to get myself fired. I still don’t have health insurance so any sort of professional help I might want to get is a fucking pipe dream.

I don’t know with whom to talk about all this. My first instinct is my Refuge Recovery mentor, if I didn’t think it would be too much for him to handle and result in him just cutting ties with me. My second instinct is to talk to my wife but I know she would just say I feel like shit because of my relapse and to push through it (which I am more and more doubting my capability to do so).

Again, I’m not suicidal (and after seeing ‘Unsane’, really don’t want to go back to the psych ward). I have, however, lost the ability to handle just about any stressor without completely losing my shit.

I just don’t know what to do any more. I want to go away and not have to worry about shit, at least for a little while.

2 thoughts on “Self-Destruction

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