Seeing ‘Gray’ in My ED (TW – Numbers/Food Description)

As with most other things in my life, I see my disordered eating behaviors in very black and white terms. It explains a lot of what I do as far as that goes. Black and white is why I don’t eat for days. Or eat thousands of calories in 30 minutes and puke it back up. There is no in-between. Its why I believe consuming no food will make me lose weight and why consuming any food will make me gain weight. This, of course, makes eating any where close to ‘normally’ at this point nearly impossible.

Today was different though. I compromised. Not in the interest of getting better, mind you. I’m taking a calculated risk that, by eating a little bit, I will reduce my chances of launching into a binge/purge session while still (is this even possible?) losing weight.

So, I weighed in at 171.6 this morning. I closing in on my ‘England’ weight of 12 stone (168 pounds… roughly my weight when I lived in England, twenty years ago) although my next official goal weight is 160. As far as calories go, I consumed some Kashi Go Lean Crunch mixed into a tub of strawberry Greek yogurt (some of which, I purged), three small new potatoes (roasted in some olive oil) and a couple of cups of coffee, splashed with some half & half (though I’m considering going back to black).

I don’t have ‘calorie Aspergers’ (I love that phrase; thank you To the Bone), but I’m definitely on the spectrum and I can conservatively say that I stayed under 500 calories today. Tomorrow morning will be the big reveal. I rationally know that I will lose weight eating that little, but my disordered brain is convinced that I will gain from eating what I did today.

Well, truth will out. Tune in tomorrow…

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