Success/Failure (TW)

Today was a success/failure on the eating front. I didn’t eat anything. I was actually poised to make it the entire day on zero calories (only black coffee), until a friend bought me a RockStar energy drink (260 calories).

The last week or so, I’ve noticed not being that hungry at all. The hunger has been replaced by a dull ache instead. I like it, sometimes. It definitely helps me not feel as awful, emotionally. I’m hoping, when I wake up tomorrow, that it will mask the crushing depression I’ve been waking up to recently.

I asked a friend from my old sober house what he thought about me going to a large AA meeting that is a requirement for everyone from my old sober house/treatment center. He thought it was a good idea. I kind of do, except… N will be there. I want to see her. I have no idea if she wants to see me. We do need to talk, but I don’t know if enough time has passed yet. I have no doubt we’ll see each other, but I’ll let her approach me, if she wants to talk. Otherwise, I will definitely let her be.

I’m thinner than when she last saw me (and will no doubt be even more so in a week). Based on her reactions to my previous disordered eating weight fluctuations, I’m fairly certain she’ll figure out that I am fully relapsing in my eating disorder and consider me to be ‘too thin’. I don’t know if that might make her more or less likely to want to talk to me. I wonder if she’ll realize that a significant contributing factor to my relapse is the shame I feel for what I did to her.

I do miss her tremendously and really hope she’s amenable to speaking. I also accept that I may have irrevocably damaged and/or destroyed any future relationship I might hope to have.

Fuck.

Relapses suck.

On that subject, the weather was lovely today and I was able to wear a t-shirt, with nothing over it, for the first time since I got to Portland. And, guess what… being able to see my bare arms (and, more specifically, their veins) turns out to be really triggering for me right now! Fan-fucking-tastic. I spend a good chunk of today battling back against fantasies of shooting meth. At least I talked about it with my mentor. I’m only as sick as my secrets, right? (And anorexia doesn’t count.)

Oh, and I’ve dropped back down to a 30″ waist. I almost bought a new pair of jeans at Old Navy to reflect that reality but held off (even though they were on sale for only $15) because I know that will change. I’ll either get my eating back on track and increase my waist size again or continue to lose weight and drop to 29″ in the not-too-distant future. Either way, 30″ will be temporary.

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