Getting Worse (TW)

My eating is continuing to deteriorate. I consumed one Ensure Plus today (350 calories). My mentor actually gave me a 70 calorie chocolate this afternoon and I couldn’t eat it. I’m currently hungry, but can’t fucking eat anything. Among other reasons I’m not allowed to do so is because, if I eat anything at this point, I’ll eat everything (and throw it up, of course).

The kicker is that I ran 4 miles today and so, just through that alone, probably burned at least 100 calories more than were in the Ensure. No fucking wonder, I’m hungry. I actually had dreams about eating last night. I guess its better than dreaming about shooting up, but probably not by much.

Between the end of my run and going to bed, I had my vision go dark and was forced to grab on to something four different times from standing up ‘too quickly’. I’ll be sure to mention it, the first time I pass out for real.

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