N

I saw N tonight (at a meeting). She saw me. We didn’t speak.

I had already made up my mind that if she didn’t approach me, that I wouldn’t approach her. And that is exactly how things went down.

And I was ok with that. I’ve changed, hopefully for the better. As much as it would disappoint me to never speak with her again, I recognize that that may be just the way things will be. It won’t change what we had and if she needs the separation for her own well being, I want her to have it.

Impermanence. Driven home in a very real and potentially sucky way.

I plan on writing her some snail mail tomorrow, ostensibly to say goodbye, until (if ever) she wants to reconnect, and to offer an apology and a temporary living amends until time a proper amends can be made. Who knows? It’s quite possible she’ll bin it without even reading it and, again, that’s ok. I will always love her.

2 thoughts on “N

    1. I’m slowly getting better. I’m pleased with the way I handled the situation yesterday. It’s a noticeable improvement from the way things were. N and I used to be pretty codependent. I know that I wasn’t troubled with feelings like that last night. I hope that seeing me last night, even though we didn’t speak, didn’t negatively impact her at all. I hope and expect to keep improving at a slow pace, though I’m sure there will be set backs (but no relapse… and I know I can’t 100% guarantee that, but, just, no). Thank you for your comment. The open to any feedback you might have on how I’m handling the fallout from this relationship that I really messed up.

      Liked by 1 person

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