Open Letter to N

Well, sort of ‘open’. The letter is only going to her (snail mail), but I thought I’d throw it out here, as well.

I wanted to let you know that, if we run into each other in a public space, as we did last night, I will stand back and not make any move to initiate a conversation. I fucked up very badly. I don’t know exactly how much I hurt you as a result, but I’ve been assuming the worse. As such, I will give you as much space as you need to process what happened with the understanding that you may choose to never speak to me again.

I’ve been increasingly avoiding the Alano Club, with the exceptions of the EDA and Saturday night Refuge Recovery meetings, to give you as much opportunity to continue going to meetings there without bumping into me. Instead, I’ve been working my recovery through Refuge Recovery and attending those meetings throughout town.

I know an apology doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of what I’ve done to you, but I offer one anyway. There is an amends ‘step’ in Refuge Recovery. Until I get there, I’ll be engaging in a living amends to avoid a repeat of what I did to you to anyone else and to also remain detached from you until (or, if ever) you reach a point that you wish to re-establish communication.

I will always love you. I want you to be happy and free from suffering and I don’t want to prevent you from getting there any more than I already have. If/when you get to a point where you want to start rebuilding a friendship, however that may look, I’ll be here.

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