ED Update (TW)

After eating (and not running) yesterday, I was not surprised, and mentally prepared, to step on the scale this morning. It was a higher number (171, to be exact), but that’s the lowest upswing I’ve had in a long time. It will be a very short time before I stay in the 160s, even on an upswing day.

And tomorrow is going to be a good weigh in.

I ate a sesame bagel, with a light schmear, and two small dinner rolls, each with some roquefort crumbles and some Branston Pickle (it’s an English thing). Anyway, my calorie aspergers has me pegging all that at around 700 calories.

On the calories out side, not counting my BMR (1734.4, per an online calculator), that number was measured by my phone to be a little over 1200 for the close to 9 mile run I did going to my Refuge Recovery meeting this evening. That’s a net expenditure of about 2250 calories. It’s no wonder I’m hungry right now. I could eat steak and potatoes right now and come nowhere close to breaking even… but I won’t.

At the meeting, the reading included a litany of self-inflected things that cause suffering. I added one in my head: suffering is never being thin enough. The reading also included a paragraph on the trickiness of handling an eating-related ‘process addiction’ (disorder), because of the inability to be purely abstinent with respect to food. I’m glad I didn’t get called on to share. I think I might’ve outed myself about where I’m at in my eating disorder, if I were asked to speak.

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