ED Shopping (TW)

I just went all in at WalMart… celery, carrots, broccoli, Skinny Girl dressing (for dip), Crystal Light, 100 calorie tins of tuna, etc. My big disorder driven purchase was a new digital kitchen scale (I wound up abandoning my old one when I was swiftly removed from my old sober house). Actually, there was a second significant disorder driven purchase: Hydroxycut (which I took with some diet coke while waiting for my Uber).

I also picked up some stuff for my roommate. He had 9 almost over ripe avocados, so I got a bunch of guacamole mix and a big back of corn chips and mixed up a big batch of guacamole when I got home.

In the process of making the guacamole, I allowed myself to lick the spoon, bringing my total caloric intake for the day up to 600 calories.

It did not start a binge.

In fact, I’m trying to decide if I’m going to eat anything else at all at this point. Don’t get me wrong. I’m hungry. All anoretics are. We just have a disconnect between being hungry and actually being able (allowed) to eat.

Anyway, I’m trying to decide if I should do up a 100 (or 200 or, even, 300) calorie bowl of vegetables and dip or if I should just go to bed and hope my stomach doesn’t wake me in the middle of the night like it did yesterday. To the non-disordered individual, this probably seems like a no-brainer. I mean, I’m hungry and, even if I’m allowed 200 calories, I’m still going to come in at less than half of my daily BMR. Actually, I have four dinner rolls (100 calories ea.) in the fridge. I could conceivably combine one of those with the veg, while keeping the total calories to 200. I am motivated to not wake up tonight. Hmmm.

I guess that 800 calories for the day is still pretty low (especially after my run/restrict day yesterday). Oh, for the record, I weighed in at 166.2 this morning. I’m really curious to get an idea for what I can expect my weight loss to look like, if I can cut the binge/purge cycle completely out of my routine. If I come in at 800 today, with no b/p, what will my weight be tomorrow morning? And does it make sense to eat 800 calories and then slowly taper my daily intake down from there?

I’ve been here before, but it was three years ago and I wasn’t really keeping close tabs on what I was doing, other than not eating. In my defense, I was high on oxycodone for a good chunk of that time.

I think I’ll eat… no… shit… I don’t know. I’ll comment later with what I actually decided to do.

2 thoughts on “ED Shopping (TW)

  1. I ate. I dipped one of my broccoli florets, lightly, in the guacamole, so I’m estimating 215 calories instead of 200 (if you every see someone do something like that, odds are they have an eating disorder). I’m fairly certain that I won’t have any trouble getting through the night now.

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