I think I’ve been trending toward manic the last few days. It may be being caused by my diet (anorexia can trigger mania) or vice versa. It’s all tied in together. Closely coupled, also, to my mania is me shopping on the dark web.
Before I go any further, I want to state in no uncertain terms that I did not buy any drugs off the dark web just now (or IRL, for that matter). My overdose during my last relapse, coupled with the fear of being well and truly homeless if I pick up again, is still more than enough to keep me in check… hopefully, until I can complete more work in Refuge Recovery and become more drug resistant, in general.
I was actually ordering a book about building a botnet. It’s just a pet project I’m working on. So, I was back on Dream Market, poking around at the literature there. I still have a couple of bucks worth of BitCoin (BTC) in my wallet there at a level so low, that I can’t even withdraw it to make use of in the real world. Basically, I can either ignore the fact that that minuscule amount of BTC is there (and, yes, that’s probably how I should handle it) or put it to use buying some of the semi-legitimate products they have at DM. I chose the latter.
In the interest of full disclosure, I was tempted by drugs (a little). I could have ordered a tab of LSD (100 mcg) for about $4 worth of BTC. LSD is not detectable in a standard 12 panel urinalysis, so the odds of getting away with using that modest amount were probably ‘acceptable’. I, however, recognized this as the same slippery slope I started down when my relapse began last March with a bit of weed. I also recognized the same insanity starting that overtook me when I began buying drugs off the dark web last fall. I recognized those things and I pulled myself back from the edge.
I’ll also be refraining from perusing dark web markets, indefinitely.
[Note: The attached image of Dream Market is courtesy of Google Images and not a screenshot of my recent visit.]