Triggered? Stressed? I don’t know. Just a Fucked Up Day…

Last night, my roommate came home, with this girl, at around 11pm and woke me up. This was actually a good thing, as I had fallen asleep with the lights, and my glasses, both on. I was a bit groggy, but thought I understood that he was going to get his girl home and then come back. Well, I was either wrong or plans changed because, when I awoke this morning, he was not here.

I was genuinely worried, especially when I couldn’t get in touch with him (it turns out his phone service was turned off the previous evening). So, I filed a missing roommate report with the house manager which promptly kicked off a day of chaos.

My roommate returned a few hours later and I told him what I had done. The typical response, in a housing situation like this, given an unplanned evening out, was for my roommate to take a UA (urinalysis… a drug screen). He was not happy and it left me extremely stressed. After about two hours of chugging water, and other fluids, he was still not able to go to the bathroom.

He even had a bowel movement, yet still was unable to urinate.

Although I don’t, and probably will never, know for certain, this screams ‘meth use’ to me. It’s a side effect that I Googled when I discovered I had tremendous difficulty peeing, despite really having to go, the first time I used meth. He never was able to UA and finally left the house, permanently and ‘voluntarily’, after those two hours of not being able to pee.

The whole episode triggered the fuck out of me. Since I’m still solidish in my recovery from drug addiction, I immediately went into starvation mode with my eating disorder and also ran about 4.5 miles to try to de-stress (it worked a little). A little later my Refuge Recovery mentor picked me up for a meeting. I got to lead the meditation this evening and I chose the Forgiveness Meditation to do.

That’s a hard meditation, but I needed to do it for myself, if for no one else (though it was well received). I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in past blog posts (I think I probably did), but I have trouble with empathy for whatever reason, it’s cause to be determined by some future therapist. For the first time since my relapse a month and a half ago, I think I got a flavor of what I put N through with my actions. And it fucking sucks. It’s no wonder she wants nothing to do with me at the moment. I understood it, before, but now I actually get it from an emotional standpoint.

So, during the meditation, I asked N for forgiveness, did my best to forgive my roommate for whatever the fuck just happened in the last 24 hours, and tried my best to forgive myself for the fucked up shit I did to me. It worked well enough. I came out of the meeting feeling better than I had all day (not a particularly high bar). I also felt good enough to go get a bite to eat with my mentor, J, and our friend, S. That was a good thing. Prior to the meeting, between the running and the starving, my chest (heart?) was actually hurting a bit. I assume those things are related, as I felt better after eating.

So… fuck…

Overall, plenty of suffering today, for multiple people, as a result of all this. Addiction sucks.

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