I just dialed up the taping of one of the last showings of the musical Rent from 2008. It was made into a film a few years before that. This stage version is much better. The entire show is on YouTube. Look it up. You won’t be disappointed.
I’ve seen it on Broadway four times, including once during it’s opening season with the original cast way back in 1996. I saw it so early, in fact, that the music hadn’t even been released on CD yet. I wound up having to wait 6 or 7 months after seeing it before I was able to listen to the music again. At this point, I have the entire thing memorized.
Opposite the ‘Choose Life’ tattoo on my left arm is a pivotal lyric from this show, ‘No Day But Today’, on my right. The show deals with, among other things, heroin addiction and that second tattoo is very pro-recovery (with no irony).
One of the lines from ‘No Day But Today’ commands to ‘give in to love / or live in fear’. That, and the ‘Without You’ song I mentioned earlier, have inspired me to come out about something. Given everything that has happened in the last two months, this may very well be too late, but I am going to tell N. I love her and I am also in love with her. I have been since at least a month before I relapsed and completely fucked things up between us. And that is the first time I have shared that with anyone.
If we never speak again, I guess I may just write her a letter and let her know. If we do talk sometime in the next month or two, I’ll tell her then (although, if/when we do have that initial conversation, it might not be the appropriate time to bring it up… I’ll just play it by ear).
It sucks that I screwed things up so much. Of course, even if I hadn’t, there’s no guarantee that the love wouldn’t be unrequited… or that she wouldn’t have a problem with me being married (yay, polyamory!)… or that I would have ever even said anything at all (I’d like to think I would have). Oh, and she has (or, at least, ‘had’ seven weeks ago) a boyfriend. So, there’s that too.
Basically, there are a host of reasons my confession of love will be fruitless and, really, a pretty slim chance of anything coming of it. And, I need to do it skillfully, so as to not cause any more harm. I will talk to J about it and refrain from saying anything, if it’s going to hurt her. She doesn’t need any more suffering from me.
Sometimes, I wonder what she would think if she read this blog or, if she has somehow come across it and knows all that I’ve been writing here and that’s part of the reason she’s remains incommunicado. I don’t know what that would do and is why I’m a big proponent of anonymity (mostly) surrounding this website.