Outpouring of Emotion and ‘Thanks’

I’ve been pretty overwhelmed since I got that text from N several days ago. Running in to her today was semi-cathartic, though there is a whole lot of shit that is still very much up in the air. I wanted to take this time to let loose with my full feelings about N (though I suspect there won’t be too many surprises given how much I’ve already written). I also wanted to thank you all for the views/likes/comments. I’ve pretty much stopped journaling, in the traditional sense, over the last several weeks and have pretty much been using this blog as that outlet instead. I like being able to get the crazy shit out of my head by telling people, even if they are strangers. I also like to think that, if I ever say anything too bat-shit crazy, someone out here in cyberland will call me on it. What I’m about to write will probably be a mash up of some ‘stream-of-consciousness’, coupled with a love letter, with a sprinkle of honest-to-goodness madness thrown in. Consider yourselves forewarned…

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this about anyone. I am so in love with N that it is, literally, driving me crazy. It sucks so much that I had to fucking crash and burn so hard, and hurt her in the process, to come to this realization. I really am genuinely concerned that I have irrevocably damaged our relationship to the point that we will never be as close as we once were. I accept that that is a very real possibility. At the same time, I hope against hope that, somehow, things will work out in the ‘ride of into the sunset’ sort-of-way. I want her in my life, for the rest of my life. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen (if that’s even possible) which is part of the reason I’m scared to death to do or say the wrong thing. I view our relationship as being at a critical juncture, where the things I say or do could either set us up for a happy and enduring friendship (or more) or drive us out of each other’s life forever. Today’s meeting was, all-in-all, a positive one. I’m still tearing myself apart with the million ways things could go wrong still. Granted, there are a multitude of ways things could go right also, but I seem to have trouble latching on to those somewhat. My main problem is that I want everything to work out the way I want it to work out and there is no guarantee that anything remotely resembling that will come to pass. This is why I had worked so hard to accept that I would most likely never speak with her again. And why my fucking world blew up again when she sent me that text. It seems at this point, we’re going to have some (limited?) interaction again, so I can’t do the old ‘black-and-white’ thing of shutting her out completely (nor do I want to). We’re most likely going to come to some ‘resolution’ of what our relationship will look like in the next few weeks. If it’s one in which we’re still in each other’s lives, I’m sure that will evolve with time. I really want to go back to the nail salon and have my right hand re-done in white to match my left. And I really need to be kind to myself if I end up having to paint my left hand black. I miss N. I love N. I am so happy I got to speak to her today. I am still terrified that things are going to turn out badly, after all is said and done. I still wonder what would happen if she were to find out about this blog. If I can arrange some way of talking to her, I intend to tell her everything I’ve expressed here so, in a way, I’ll probably find out. And it would probably be better to hear it directly from me than to read it here. I’ll most likely tell her about this at some point anyway, as I do intend to be completely transparent with her, going forward.

I guess that’s it for now. Thanks for listening to me and I’ll be sure to let you know what happens…

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