I think I was mostly just tired. I ate. The urges to wanted to use came back pretty strong as a result. I didn’t hear from N. I mostly isolated. Overall, I was just pretty uncomfortable for most of today.
On the plus side, my wife just rang me and we got to talking for a while. She said some stuff that got me thinking about N’s actions. Specifically, she pointed out that N has got a lot of her own shit that she has to work through (outside of anything I did to her) and her (lack of) communication does not have anything to do with her intentionally torturing me, even though it feels like that sometimes, but rather is just her coping with all the fucked up shit in her own life as best she can.
I mean, I love her and I still really fucked her up two months ago and I’m fairly certain she still loves me, despite the fact that her current actions are really messing me up, emotionally. Life is hard and cruel and we all should give ourselves and others as much compassion as we can muster.