53 Days Clean = Slipping into ‘Relapse Mode’

I am coming up on my own, personal ‘witching hour’… being clean for two months. I haven’t stayed clean for more than two months since I started relapsing last March and, once again, I am starting to be hit with significant urges to use.

The good news is that I am in a different place this time. Specifically, I’m a lot more motivated to stay clean than I ever have been. I also just unleashed a massive text missive to my mentor, J, regarding the crazy thoughts I have bouncing around in my head (which is something I have definitely¬†not done before my other relapses).

I really have it good right now and I don’t want to fuck it up. I am quite triggered right now. I think some of that is from me actually eating (and not running) yesterday. I was trying to be better about my eating and I wind up wanting to shoot up. If that’s the way it’s going to be, at least at this point, I am eating nothing today and running the 9 miles to my Refuge Recovery meeting this evening. I swear, I will fucking run (pun intended) with my eating disorder as long as I need to, if that will keep me from picking up.

Some of yesterday’s crazed, drug-related thoughts:

  • I can use ‘just a little’.
  • I bet I can cook my own meth.
  • Let’s check out Dream Market… ooh, a gram of meth is only $30?!?!
  • If N rejects me, I will use.
  • If I were to pick up some rigs, where could I hide them?

These are all extremely fucked up ideas and are very, very unhealthy. The good news is, I’m talking about it. I’ve shared (some of this) with J. Though, now that I’ve written them down, I think I need to share them all. More good news: I haven’t actually purchased any drugs, on the dark web or IRL, or picked up any rigs. I need to text this list to J right now…

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