J took me to a Planet Fitness, to check it out this afternoon. I made a beeline to the treadmills. That is precisely where my eating disorder began 15 years ago and, whoa, do I ever need to stay away from those things.
I can control my run at such a granular level on a treadmill. I love it. 15 years ago, I got to the point of running hill intervals at a 7.5 minute mile pace for an hour at a time (burning 1200-1400 calories at a go). I lost a lot of weight, very quickly. And I can see myself doing it again, were I to join a gym.
At least, running outside, there’s some randomness that prevents me from getting too obsessive. I decide my destination, usually a meeting, and then zigzag the streets of Portland to get there. Hills are, mostly, unexpected (though I’m starting to learn where they are) and I’m intentionally not engaging in interval runs.
Anyway, the point is: treadmills are triggers for me. My eating disorder is already sufficiently spiralling down without me throwing fuel on the fire.
Btw, I weighed 165 today. That number is slowly but steadily going down. My next target weight is 160. I figure, though I may dip to that number before then, I’m probably a few weeks out from getting there consistently.