More Than ‘Slightly’ Triggered

I need to get this out and I’m not ready to talk to J about it yet.

I am currently laser-focused on reaching out to that woman I mentioned in my last post (A) and proposing a little ‘cook-off’. I’m trying to do my job, but all I’m thinking about is finishing my ‘recipe’. You see, there is a fair amount of information out there about how to cook, but they are very lacking in detail. By ‘detail’, I mean the actual chemistry behind each step, so you know exact quantities of ingredients and what to expect on the back end.

So, I’ve recently been applying my ample scientific educational background (which includes university-level chemistry) to the information I’ve culled from some of the darker corners of the internet and have nearly completed a ‘recipe’ that contains the actual chemistry involved in the production.

I’ve been thinking about and working on this for a long time… and only when I’m triggered.  When I’m sane, I know better. Unfortunately, I’m up to the last chemical reaction and, given the way I feel right now, it won’t be long until I’ve figured out that last step. Then, it’ll just be a numbers game, determining exactly how much I need of what at each step. Reaching completion on this project does not mean I’m immediately going to relapse. It will still fall into the realm of, quite possibly, my biggest example of intellectual masturbation to date. There would still be significant logistical challenges involved in actually applying what I will have taught myself.

But I really have no business even doing as much as I have on this little project… at all.

I am, literally, crazy right now. I need to talk to J about this. I will talk to J about this.

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