While the acts leading up to my most recent relapse two months ago remain, by far, my single greatest act of self-sabotage I’ve ever committed, I think I’m engaging in similar behavior, though to a lesser extent, with my current job.
Basically, my wife is kinda pressuring me to stay in my current job. I don’t really want to and, now that I know I’ll bring made an offer by this new firm, I’m really ready to jump ship. But how to do so without overtly quitting? Simple, subconsciously allow myself to fuck off sufficiently to be sacked. Ok. Maybe it’s not so subconscious. I think it was, but in light of today’s news, I’ve got a serious case of the “fuck its” with respect to my current job.
Once I have the offer in hand, I think I’ll give my notice. I can probably get most of my loose ends tied up by the end of May. If it’s ok with the new place, I think I’ll target June 1st to start and close out everything the best I can at the old place. Now, I just need to tell my wife.
I talked to J about my meth cooking obsession. He took me to the gym to go running, which was an excellent idea. My brain is still a bit wonky, but it’s a good sight better than it was 2 hours ago. I ran 6.5 miles and burned 900 calories. I feel like I could double that and feel fine. Yesterday’s “rest day” really helped.
Honestly, I’m just scared to death of relapsing right now. It doesn’t matter what job I have, what house I’m in, what extracurriculars I’m involved in, how great J is as a mentor, or anything else. At the end of the day, I am an addict. I’m going to get cravings. I can’t control that. I can control my response to those cravings though. I’m already in a better place as far as that goes. At this point in my previous iterations, I’d have relapsed already. I haven’t and that’s fantastic. It isn’t a guarantee that I won’t relapse, but it’s certainly a step in the right direction.