Feeling Tired? Or Strange? I Don’t Know…

I’m think I’m actually definitely tired. I haven’t gotten enough calories today (surprise). I ate a very small breakfast (a hard boiled egg). I also had rather modest meals for lunch and dinner… and purged a good chunk of each of those. I also walked at least 10 miles today, so there’s that to.

I spoke to E for the first time since she got out of rehab this evening. I told her the details of all the craziness in my head. I told her stuff I haven’t told J, haven’t told my wife, haven’t put on this blog, haven’t spoken about with anyone. For whatever reason, I feel more comfortable sharing my truly insane thoughts only with her. I think part of it comes from us being some sort of kindred spirits. We seemingly get each other in a way that no one else does. Our connection predates our relapse together and seems to have only been strengthened by that event.

I don’t know which of us brought it up first, but we both spoke about getting back together, in either Portland or NC. We both agreed to table that discussion, for now, and to go forward understanding that anything is possible.

Now, I’m waiting for J’s band to take the stage in 30 minutes. I’m at the point where I want to go home and collapse into bed. I do want to hear him play though. I’m bailing as soon as he’s done though. If he decides to hang longer, I’ll be on the bus, post haste.

Back to E briefly, I often wonder where we’d be now if I had gotten on the plane with her to Greensboro that day. I know the outcome probably would not have been positive, but still… Even now, I wonder what things would like, if it’s even possible, if we were really to commit ourselves to a close, personal relationship.

And on something I have never mentioned before, and this is going to sound legit insane (without being drug related), I just saw the scene from X-Files, where a teenage Fox Mulder watches his sister get abducted by aliens. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been frightened of alien abduction (really) to the point that I legitimately wonder if I haven’t already, at one point, been abducted and if, maybe, a lot of my ‘issues’ are a result of that (suppressed memory) trauma. I’m even scared of being hypnotized, less some abduction event surface that I simply can’t handle. I know this whole ‘alien abduction’ thing is most likely a load of shit, yet it is still something that I think and wonder about.

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