Fuck

I am not in good shape. I mean, I think I’m doing ok and then something happens, or I do something, or I get a crazy phone call that just pushes me further toward relapse. Before I go any further, allow my to clarify that I have not relapsed.

I’m not going to go into details, but I noticed some stuff today that I would definitely class as indicators of an upcoming relapse. That’s not to say that a relapse is inevitable. It is to say that I behaved irrationally and irresponsibly today and probably exposed myself to a much higher probability of relapse (I’m figuring, 25% to 30%) than I should ever expose myself to. I mean, with where my head has been the last few days, had the opportunity to use presented itself, it would have been difficult to say ‘no’… and I managed to put myself in a situation where that may very well have happened (because I’m stupid/crazy/shameful).

Anyway, I dodged that bullet, got to a meeting and returned home safely. I ate dinner (I told someone I would… I hadn’t really eaten anything else and had already walked, like, 8 miles. So, I figured I was ok). Anyway, after dinner, I got a call from a friend from drug/eating rehab from last summer.

I seem to get calls like this every month or two. I’m not sure why my friends from this group reach out to me. I’m touched, but it stresses me the fuck out and, I’m betting, it’s not very good for my sobriety.

No initials this time. This shit is too real to even give a letter away, her location, or anything first identifying. I’ll just share what’s going on and maybe process it a bit as well.

She is currently prostituting herself to the tune of $1k/day. She started smoking heroin 3 days ago (her first time with that drug). She’s scared but doesn’t want to stop… good money, plus, I think she’s hoping she dies soon.

I am overwhelmed. I’m barely holding my shit together. I am genuinely afraid for her and want to help, but to want something like this to push me closer to relapse. I really need no assistance in that regard at this time.

I dumped a line to J for some support. I also texted E, since she knows this woman pretty well also. I haven’t heard back from anyone yet.

Will update when I know more…

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