The good news is that I’ve reached a fairly significant milestone (60 days clean) in my recovery. It has been almost exactly 14 months since I’ve managed to put together more than 60 days clean and it’s nice to pass the checkpoint. I’m certainly not out of the woods yet, but I’m in much better shape than I have been in a long time.
I shouldn’t minimize the cravings I’m having right now, though. They are definitely there and are on par with the cravings in the past that have led me to relapse. The difference this time, as near as I can figure, is me being a lot more honest than I have been in the past. I can do more though. Although the number of secrets I’m keeping are much diminished compared to where I’ve been in the past, I’m still holding on to a couple things that could potentially cause me harm.
I just texted J to see if I could get him to take me to the gym today. I haven’t run since Friday and I could definitely use one. Also, it’ll give me the opportunity to share another secret that I need to get off of my chest. I’ve actually shared it with E already, so I’m getting it ‘out there’ (at least, a little), but I need to tell J also. It’s just that I judge myself so harshly for this shit. Even though I don’t need to worry about him abandoning me, it makes me feel like such a fuck up.
And then it becomes a sort of self-stroking cycle: do something fucked up -> shame yourself/don’t talk about it -> do something even more fucked up -> more shame -> repeat, until the ‘fucked up’ thing is using drugs. I need to break that cycle now, before I wind up at that ultimate step of the process. I don’t know how much non-addicts get this, but recovering addicts, as a general rule of thumb, do not want to relapse, at all, with all their hearts… but that is not enough to prevent that from happening… and it sucks. I know that using again would blow up my life (if it doesn’t kill me) on a scale I have not yet experienced. And that’s not enough. It’s fucking hard and fucking scary and I hate it.