I feel like my grasp on reality is loosening slightly. It’s weird. I’m weird. I’ve meditated, worked and am about to head out to a Refuge Recovery meeting. So, I’m doing the right things. My head is all out of sorts, though. In the last couple of hours, it seems like my rational brain has sort of checked out. I still have (I guess) ‘crazy’ ideas rattling around, but they don’t seem to be concerning me as much.
Yet, I have an ominous feeling that things are about to go horribly wrong. I think that, as long as I don’t relapse, I’ll be ok (though, nothing in this universe is guaranteed). I don’t know what to share with who at this point. I’m scared that if I’m honest with my wife or J or anyone else, that I’m going to be found out as crazy.
I want to go home and go home and climb into bed. It seems like that would be the safest thing for me right now. Or the hospital… oh, wait. I still don’t have health insurance.
The meeting will be good, I suppose. Maybe it’ll ground me a bit. Fuck. I don’t know what I’m talking about. My head is very cloudy right now. I’m feeling somewhat confused.