90 Days

90 days (and 15 minutes) ago was my last drug use. This is the most clean time I’ve had, by far, since I started relapsing last March. It has not been easy. Ironically, I’ve done it without therapy, without medications, and without any formal treatment program… just a solid, Buddhist-based approach to recovery (thank you, […]


Fucked up Irrational Neurotic Emotional For those of you not as familiar with modern psychological treatment, this acronym is commonly understood amongst the patients and, I assume, the professionals too. Whenever one of us says that “we’re fine”, we are lying. I just read, and identified, with this (https://pin.it/maqgiiu2y7apef) on Pinterest. This in turn made […]

E-mail from Father

I just left my mentor’s surprise birthday party. It was a pretty good do. I isolated a bit while I was there, which was interesting as I was surrounded by friends at the same time. Anyway, shortly before I left, I got the following message from my father: Just a quick note to wish you […]


I am in the process of lining up a small apartment, not far from where my wife lives. I’m working through the details with the individual renting it right now. It’s a modest 1BR with all new stuff, hardwood floors, a/c and utilities for $1000/mo. Easily affordable to me. My wife won’t be pleased, but […]

Burn it. Burn it All to the Ground.

This feeling my pass. It may not. I don’t care. Fuck eating. Fuck staying clean. I’m ready to fucking torch everything and run myself into nothingness. I’m starving myself and, while not directly going out and getting drugs, seem to be doing a damn fine job of setting myself up to relapse. I’m so fucking […]


I am pretty sure I am insane at the moment. I feel like I’m barreling toward a brick wall and seem to be unable to stop. Rationally, I can see what is happening and understand the consequences if I am unable to course correct. It’s weird, though. My thought processes are all out of whack, […]

Weird (and not Particularly Good) Day

Within the last 24 hours, I’ve had two friends from rehab this summer, both relapsing and in bad shape, reach out to me for help. I was able to help one financially, a little at least, and the other I was on the phone with for a little over 15 minutes as she was getting […]