UGW = 0? (TW)

I was messaging E earlier today. Like me, and we seem to be alike in a lot of ways, her getting clean (she’s somewhere over 30 days now… yay!) has really triggered her eating disorder. I was pretty explicit about what was going on with me in terms of my own eating disorder. I figured she’s already triggered and fully engaged in behaviors… I’m not likely to make it any worse.

Anyway, at one point I mentioned my next couple of goal weights (GWs): 160, and then 148, and then… I stopped. I actually have an ultimate goal weight (UGW), but I know it’s not real. I currently have it pegged at 130, but that’s a farce. Anyone with an eating disorder will tell you that, regardless of how low you go, you always want to go farther. (Quick update: I weighed in at 163.2 this morning… a new low weight since three years ago.)

Since my ED has morphed into it’s current form of moderate restricting, coupled with significant over-exercising, I seem to be on track to be losing 5 or 6 pounds a month. I wouldn’t be surprised to see that number go up a bit, as this new pattern really sets in and takes hold. I’m currently burning at least 800 calories each day above my BMR. In the past, when I’ve engaged in this behavior I’ve gotten to the point of burning at least 1200 calories each day, over and above. I certainly lost weight at a faster pace when I was there.

So, I figure, I’ll hit that UGW in 3 months (best case), or 4-5 months (more realistically), or six months (if I merely maintain at my current level… not likely). And at that point? There will be very little chance that I stop there. My all-time lowest weight was 120. I hit that back when I started this blog, three years ago. The ED voice in my head would love to get there again…

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