Kinda Freaking Out Right Now (ED – TW)

It probably doesn’t come as any surprise to anyone who has been following this blog for the last several weeks to hear me admit that my eating disorder is out of control. It is. And it is a big deal that I’m actually acknowledging it.

Most of the time, my ED voice is so loud that it drowns out any rationality with respect to what I’m doing to myself. A couple things have happened that have resulted in at least a temporary moment of clarity that has me somewhat frightened. As of this morning, I have a thigh gap… not a big one, but I pressed my knees together as tightly as I could and there was still daylight coming through between my legs. More significantly, and to borrow drug addiction parlance, I ran ‘against my will’ today. I totally wanted a rest day, but got to the point that I couldn’t not run. It was unnerving. Finally, I’ve had a cold for the last three days (hasn’t stopped me running!) and I’m fucking tired. I don’t know if I’m tired because of the cold or because I’m malnourished or if the ED is exacerbating the cold or vice versa (probably, some combination of all of that).

Oh, and I hit another low weight today (162). The thing is, I’m scared to stop. Every time I try to ‘normalize’ my eating, my drug cravings skyrocket. As bad as the eating disorder is for me, using drugs again would be far worse. So, yeah. What to do… What to do…

I think I’m going to take a nap, for starters, because I’m so tired. And then, I’ll go from there. None of this ends well…

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