N Update

So, surprisingly, I actually spoke with N for a few minutes last night. She seemed in generally good spirits. That said, from things other people have mentioned in casual conversation, I think she’s dealing with a lot of shit right now. She actually pulled out and showed me the unopened letter I had sent her several weeks ago and assured me she wants to open it, but isn’t up to the task, emotionally, quite yet. I respect that.

Oddly enough, I met the trans woman (A) she had been with when I ran into her at the Alan club a couple of weeks back. She was at my EDA meeting this afternoon and we spent a couple of hours after the meeting chatting. It wasn’t until we were getting ready to depart that she mentioned that she had been the one with N that day. In my defense, I was pretty laser-focused on N when I ran into her that day. I feel like this might have been manipulative but, if it was, it was simultaneously completely honest.

I told A that I missed N terribly and really want to reestablish our relationship. I also acknowledged that they may take a long time still, if it happens at all. The reason I feel semi-manipulative was that, although I’m sure I’d have shared what I did with A anyway, I did it partially in the hope that some of my words would make it back to N, through A.

Actually, now that I’ve written that out, it seems less manipulative. I was honest in a way I would have been anyway and it’s not as if I did anything that would influence A to speak with N about me, one way or the other. One positive note: A did tell me that N had only ever spoken well of me to her when I came up in conversation.

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