I came out in the EDA meeting yesterday. I told my mentor, J, this morning about my struggles. I put a request for help on the private Facebook page for my SA/ED rehab group from this summer.
J acknowledged that he lacks relevant experience to help with specifics, but did encourage me to seek help through the supports I already have. I told him I need to stop going to the gym with him, for now, and to not encourage me to exercise while I’m this deep in my behaviors.
In the meantime, the weight loss continues. I was at 159.2 this morning. I have no business being less than 160. Hell, I probably shouldn’t even be below 170. I’ve dropped ~18 pounds in the last 3 months. 8 of those came off in the last 4 weeks. That is much too fast. To put that in context, that means I have been restricting/over-exercising to the tune of a daily average of burning 1000 calories more than I’m consuming. I have been dialing back the running, but I’m still walking too much and the restriction is becoming a problem.
Regarding restriction, for those not familiar with the behavior that drives classical anorexia, there comes an inflection point in the disease where it becomes considerably more difficult to eat than to not eat. Anyone who has dieted knows the challenge of not eating after some time of reducing calories (even if it’s just 100 or 200 calories a day). Well, flip that. That’s where I’m at now. I’m bargaining with myself to try to allow myself to eat something (anything) today. I didn’t eat that sushi I bought yesterday, so I think that will be my ‘go to’ today.
Right now, I’m telling myself that I’ll eat it when I get hungry. Odds are, that won’t happen. So, I’m going to have to force myself to eat it at some point. Other things floating around in my head? Do I eat all twelve tuna roll pieces (600 cal)? Or just six (300 cal)? Or four (200 cal)? When’s the best time to eat them? What if I eat six midday and save the other six, in case I actually get hungry later (ED Mythbuster: anoretics do get hungry sometimes and will eat… just not enough to sustain weight)? Will walking to the cast call tonight be sufficient to deal with those calories? Or will my ED make me run? Amidst all this, I somehow manage to fit in work and living, in general. But it’s exhausting (and I’m sure being chronically undernourished doesn’t help that).
Looking at that now, it seems fucking ridiculous. I’m planning on eating no more than 600 calories today and I’m stressing out over how to minimize the impact of those calories on my waistline. And now you know why my weight has been plummetting recently.