Triggered AF Right Now

I’m not sure what kicked this off, but I am really fucking triggered right now. I just packed up work, after only three hours, and just jumped on a bus to the Alano Club, to just do meetings all day.

I’ve talked to J also. He knows I’m triggered, though I minimized how bad it is. He approves of my Alano Club plan. I also made a commitment to swing by his place later and spend some time with his under-the-weather cat. I’ll do some RR inventory work while I’m there.

I reached out to E also. She was with a bunch a friends and said she would call me back.

After two days of taking cold medicine, I’ve decided to lay off of it today, in case that’s contributing to the problem. Did you know pseudoephedrine and methamphetamine differ chemically by a single atom? I do. So does my wife. She actually recommended I stay away from the p-fed, for exactly this reason. Granted, I don’t know if it’s directly related, but I think I’m better off suffering with my cold symptoms just now.

Fuck. It would be really bad to relapse now. I say that as if there is ever a ‘good’ time to relapse (there isn’t). I am very aware that my last 3 relapses occurred right at the beginning of the month, when I had just been paid, so I had a financial cushion to fall back on. Even though it’s early in the month, I’ve already handed over my paycheck to my wife, with the express hope that not having money will keep me from doing anything too stupid. I guess it’s worked (so far), since I haven’t picked up. I guess the fear of being homeless is partially keeping me in check.

I keep telling myself that these cravings are impermanent and will pass, but it’s very difficult sitting with them. I guess I’m doing the right things (meetings, mentor, etc). I’ve also got to take care not to do the wrong things (swing by Outside In while I’m downtown).

I wish this day was over already. I thought about hiding myself away in my sober house. If I don’t go anywhere, I can’t get in trouble, right? Wrong. I’m scared I’d find myself on the dark web, looking to see if that one seller still had their sale going of $15 for a gram of meth. Fuck me. No, meetings and helping J it has to be. That’s the best way to keep me out of trouble, at the moment.

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