Things are definitely going better for me these days. I’m clean (71 days! Holy shit!). I’ve been eating a bit the last couple of days. Yes, my urges to use have gone up accordingly, but I’m keeping them in check and not picking up. I’ve been much more productive at work. I’ve got a small role in that Shakespeare show. And, yet…
I’m still a bit mad (crazy).
Ever since I partnered up on my little side project, I’ve been obsessing somewhat over it. I know this obsession will wane as time passes but, in the meantime, I’m spending more time thinking about it than I really should.
Being crazy is weird. Sometimes I know when it’s happening, sometimes I don’t. When I don’t realize it’s happening, all bets are off. However, even if I’m ‘aware’, I’m still not really sane so some of the ideas I think and the actions I perform don’t always seem to make a lot of sense, in retrospect. While they’re happening, they seem perfectly legitimate, though I’ll sometimes have a sort of gut instinct that something isn’t quite right.
That’s sort of where I am right now. The thoughts in my head feel just a bit ‘off’ but it’s what my brain happens to be doing right now, so I can’t really ‘think’ my way out of or around it. I am sharing (some of) these thoughts with people that care about me, in the hopes that they will speak up if I really do go too far down the rabbit hole. Again, the most important thing, right now, is that I’m clean, I have every desire to stay clean and these ‘off’ thoughts do not involve me using. So, I’ll give it time with the expectation that my thinking will clear up. It usually does.