Its not a good sign when you’ve walked 6 miles over the course of the day and can’t believe you ate nearly 1300 calories. I didn’t even top 500 yesterday. And that’s why I’m still losing weight, even though I have stopped running.
I’m also thinking that I might be slipping into a depression. I suppose my low energy from not eating enough could be a contributing factor.
Also, I’ve got this feeling like I’m walking a fucking tightrope with my housing. I’ve got this sinking feeling that something weird is going to happen and I’m going to be kicked out, even though I’m not using (like, getting a false positive on a UA or something… I don’t know). More generally, I feel like my life is about to blow up and it’ll be due to circumstances entirely beyond my control (i.e., not because I relapsed).
Its just, I don’t know, I’m really uncomfortable being in my skin right now. I’m considering self-harming, but I haven’t done that in about 2 months and I’d kinda like to keep that steak alive. Unfortunately, I do know something that could make me feel better (heroin, meth), but that would be extremely self-destructive and only amplify my suffering 100 fold so, fortunately, that option is right out.
I just don’t know what to do. Every morning, I wake up wanting to crawl out of my body and, simultaneously, tired as fuck. It makes it very difficult to get anything done, be it work or personal stuff. I’m treading water, waiting for some cosmic shoe to drop and crush me into oblivion.