Am I in Hell?

It feels like it, more and more, these days.

It seems like it shouldn’t be that way. I have a good job, an acceptable living situation, more clean time than I’ve had in ages, a solid support network, etc. Yet, every day I am intensely uncomfortable.

My eating is a double-edged sword. If I starve, I physically feel wiped out, but it numbs the discomfort (somewhat) and helps keep my drug cravings in check. I’ve been eating close to a ‘normal’ amount the last few days. As a result, I’m feeling the discomfort and the cravings. At this point, it’s a little after 2pm and I’ve not eaten anything today. I’m hoping to continue my fast a while longer and, hopefully, kill some of these feelings.

I don’t want to relapse. As much as a hit of something would temporarily ease this pain, it would make my perceived by hell infinitely worse in very short order.

I want to move/change jobs, like, now. Although, I know that would be a bandaid too. It would fix nothing. Actually, moving out of sober living would remove some stress (about arbitrarily getting kicked out). Of course, the reduced accountability would increase my stress somewhat by making it easier for me to relapse. I don’t know…

The play rehearsals help. For a couple of hours at a time, I’m taken out of my head and actually feel, dare I say? Good?

I’m tired. I think it’s time for a nap. Maybe resting a bit will help.

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