So, I’m considering moving. Maybe to another sober house. Maybe in with a sober roommate. Probably not alone (though there is a certain appeal to that). I’m currently paid to stay in my sober house through the end of June. I have some hesitation to stay because of concerns I have about being kicked out, through no fault of my own, and it has been stressing me out.
I spoke about it with my wife and my mentor, J. Both conversations went about as expected. J thought it reasonable, provided I put safeguards in place to make sure I don’t relapse. He even mentioned possibly being roommates for a while. Of course, he doesn’t know me as well as my wife.
She is resistant to the idea. She suspects that it is my brain trying to sabotage me again. My gut instinct is that she is right. I don’t trust myself right now. I’ve had some crazy thoughts lately. I could certainly be on the road to relapse, if I’m not careful. I think I’m trying to position myself so that, if I do relapse, I don’t end up homeless. Would that be self-enabling? I think her perspective is to, in the interest of minimizing the likelihood of relapse, stay put (and pick up the pieces if I get kicked out, either for relapsing or for something completely innocuous).
Basically, I’m just not in a good situation. While not a certainty, I’m not thrilled about my chances of not relapsing at some point. That’s the thinking that has me going off by myself (or maybe with E or someone else I might use with) and trying to minimize the damage I do to others, though I’m sure the damage would still be significant.
I don’t know what will happen. I do know I’ve had thoughts that, while not explicitly about relapsing, if acted upon would significantly increase the chances of that happening. So, I have to be careful…