Breaking Bad, Finale (No Spoilers)

I have… mixed feelings about the Breaking Bad finale. Don’t get me wrong, it did wrap things up more satisfactorily than say, The Sopranos, or, God help us, Seinfeld. I’m wrestling with the concept of redemption.

Right up until the end, Walt proved ruthless and efficient. His intent was, while certainly not pure, at least geared toward doing everything he could for the people he loved, given his extremely fucked up situation. ‘Intent’ is very big in buddhism… one fold of the eightfold path. I’m not trying to rationalize his behaviors. Hell, he was a drug kingpin and a stone cold murderer. Those actions definitely came from a selfish place.

My opinion of him merely a couple of episodes was that he had completely lost his soul. Now, I’m not so sure. Maybe it speaks more about me to say, “Gee, Walter White definitely wasn’t a ‘good guy’, but he did have some redeeming qualities.”

I went to a Refuge Recovery meeting tonight and felt better. I was also on the dark web immediately following the meeting, checking on something for my project partner… and that made me feel better too. What the fuck is up with that? I think it has something to do with ‘feeling alive’. It seems like my mind wants to engage in whatever makes me feel that way.

That’s not unusual. Unfortunately, while I engage in some positive activities to that end (Refuge Recovery, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, etc), I evidently have a certain ‘moral flexibility’ that has allowed me to pursue high risk, high reward activities (drugs, dark web, etc), without really feeling too guilty (sometimes).

The next couple of months will be interesting. I’ll either stay clean or I won’t. I’ll either engage in healthy, honorable pursuits or I won’t. I hope to do the former. I’m doing the right things in that regard. I’m also doing some things that aren’t so ‘right’. I’m a walking dichotomy. With any luck, and a little hard work, I’ll slowly get better and not self-implode and destroy, figuratively and, possibly, literally, my life.

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