I feel very alone at the moment. I don’t know if I’m isolating because I feel isolated or if I’m isolated because I’ve started isolating. I do know that I don’t feel like there is anyone I can talk to about what is going on in my head. By that, I mean the unvarnished truth.
I’ve given some or most of the truth to the people that can help me most (J and my wife). I’ve given even more to E, who I trust to be discrete with the insanity I’m currently struggling with. My project partner may be someone I could share some more with, but I don’t know her very well yet. Its just that we have had a couple of exchanges that leads me to believe that she is dealing with some demons that are reminiscent of my own.
I actually know some concrete actions I can take to get myself pointed in the correct direction again. I’d probably feel better, be less stressed and be much less likely to self-sabotage further down the line. The insanity is that I know this, yet am having significant difficulty taking those actions.
I’m tired. Part of me wants to give up, relapse and (I suppose) eventually die. But there will be a shit ton of suffering if I go that route, both for me and my family and friends. I just can’t do that. At least, not yet. If I continue to deteriorate, avoiding that course of action becomes more uncertain.