Ugly Last Few Days

First, I’d like to say that I’m pleased that I haven’t relapsed over the last couple of days. I feel like it’s been very touch and go lately. Even today, I almost didn’t go to meetings at the Alano Club because I was legitimately scared that I might hop off the bus in the ‘wrong part of town’ and purchase a bit of meth.

I did eventually get my ass out the door and made it to my destination without buying drugs.

I had a long, hard conversation with my wife last night. She told me about the conversations she has already walked through in her head about calling my ex-wife and father with the news that I’ve died. It was not pleasant to listen too. She also spoke a lot about how sick she and the swami at the ashram know me to be (I think she’s right about that) and how they’re helping by taking the energy from me and getting rid of it (um… ok. I have trouble accepting that, but I trust her and am going to go with it). She also mentioned that my soul is currently under attack and being eaten by goblins (evidently, shooting meth attracts a lot of that sort of goblin). I want to believe she was speaking metaphorically, but I really don’t know. To help with the work she and the swami are doing, I’m now doing two additional 15 minute meditation and a yoga session every day.

She’s right about me being very sick. I may not entirely be on board with what she and swamiji are doing for me, in terms of entirely believing it just yet, but if they are willing to do that, I am more than happy to accept their help. I’m also more than happy to do the additional meditations and yoga. Those practices alone will help me, regardless of the efficacy of the other work they’re doing. I know I’m coming off as a bit skeptical. I am but, at the same time, I do want to believe that what they’re doing really helps and intend to use my belief that they believe to keep me going until I fully believe myself.

On the eating front, my weight loss has definitely slowed, but it’s still there. I came in at an even 158 this morning. That’s a new LW for this particular anorexic run. I also noticed my 30″ jeans were starting to get a bit loose and tried on my 29’s from my last serious anorexic run a few years ago. I got into them fine. I really have no business being in 29’s. I have no business being in 30’s for that matter. Plus, I’m out of holes on my belt. I had to buy a kid’s belt last time and, given my latest waist size, it looks like I’ll have to swing by the mall on my way to the EDA meeting tomorrow for a new belt once more.

I was talking to a friend who is struggling with some ED symptoms, though she’s not formally diagnosed and not nearly as open about her difficulties as I am. She asked if I was concerned about my weight loss. I told her I was and I really am. I just don’t know how to arrest it just now. I mean, I guess it’s better to be losing only 1 pound each week than the 2+ I was knocking off for the few weeks when my exercise really got out of control. I don’t know. I’ll need to deal with it at some point. I just don’t know when… or how.

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