FINE

Fucked up

Irrational

Neurotic

Emotional

For those of you not as familiar with modern psychological treatment, this acronym is commonly understood amongst the patients and, I assume, the professionals too. Whenever one of us says that “we’re fine”, we are lying. I just read, and identified, with this (https://pin.it/maqgiiu2y7apef) on Pinterest. This in turn made me think of FINE.

I’m not fine. I’m fucking depressed (I think). I’m actually quite confused and extraordinarily uncomfortable. That e-mail from my father really did a number on me. Its not going to keep me from relapsing but I’m not going to pick up over it either. I just think it was very unhelpful and very hurtful, regardless of his intentions, which I suspect he probably didn’t understand either.

I do intend to stand by my intention of not having any contact with him, indefinitely. I also discovered an app (Boomerang) that allows to send time delayed email’s from Gmail. I’m experimenting with it and started crafting an email, to be sent posthumously, that I’ll simply delay the sending of on a weekly basis… until I’m no longer there to do so. It’ll be an electronic, self-eulogy of sorts. I’m thinking it’ll be an honest and open explanation of what I’ve been going through and will include, among other things, a link to this blog.

Obviously, I need to make sure I know how to use Boomerang before I put any real e-mail addresses in the message header. It would be extraordinarily bad for an e-mail from me, talking about my recent passing, be sent while I’m still alive. I’ll also see if I can post here via e-mail. If I can, I can send the message here a final post too.

Honestly, I hope it never comes to that but, realistically, the odds of me relapsing are higher than most people who care about me would probably care to admit.

On positive item: I had rehearsal today. That does wonders for clearing my head. I’m so glad I have that right now. I really wish I had rehearsal every day. I was actually offered booze at rehearsal today. That’s actually happened at every rehearsal I’ve been at so far. I was offered weed today as well. I finally told them I was in recovery, but that alcohol/weed don’t trigger me. I was asked further what I struggled with and I told them: heroin and meth. They seemed pretty accepting, fortunately. One thing is for sure. If I manage to stay clean, it will be with the help of this show, not in spite of it.

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