I’m the ‘Bad’ One

Whoa… I was just thinking about my housemates and their foibles that brought them in to recovery and I realized: I’m the ‘Bad’ One. I’m the one that used to IV heroin and meth. Despite bringing into the house more money then anyone else, I’m simultaneously the most unstable and dangerous to myself and others. […]

Fuck Eating

So, I shared with one of my housemates (A) about my recent eating and subsequent urges to use. I also told her I’m going to start restricting again to try to prevent me going on a run and fucking up my life. She’s super supportive of me and understands the ‘harm reduction’ aspect of choosing […]

Bad Things

[Song] Yeah. I’m sliding back into unskillful and confused. Maybe not ‘bad things’, but certainly unsober behaviors. Basically, I’ve managed to eat a kinda normal amount of food the last few days and now I want to use. Badly. I’m just going to start restricting again. Better than the alternative.

Meal Planning

Well, per L’s suggestion, I ate three meals today. It certainly wasn’t an out and out success though. Given my symptoms the last week, I’ve been freaked out to eat any more than 200-300 calories at a go, less I wind up running to the bathroom and throwing up. So, the success is me eating […]

Confused and Unskillful

“Confused and unskillful” is a phrase from the Refuge Recovery text that is used to describe someone who is acting in a way that a western philosophy or religion might describe as bad or evil. The Buddhist phrase is definitely more compassionate, but doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better when I fuck up. I […]

I Guess I’m Thin

After the meeting I just got out of, I caught my full reflection, sideways, in a window. I’m thin, I guess. I don’t feel it. I guess it’s that whole body dysphoria thing… and not having a scale. After my eating debacle last night (two moderate binge/purge cycles), I’ve kinda committed to not eating today. […]

Wherever You Go, There You Are

I’ve been in my new place for nearly a week. It has been immensely helpful. I’m 90% sure I’d be on a run right now, or worse, if I hadn’t left my sober house when I did. The problem is, I’m still me. I still don’t really like myself all that much. I still want […]