Struggling

Yesterday wasn’t a good day. Today is going a little better.

I’m not relapsing but that’s mostly due to circumstance (no opportunity, plus potential homelessness). In the last few days, the relationship between my eating disorder and addiction have gone through a sort of inversion. Whereas earlier, allowing myself to engage in some modest anorexic behavior has been pretty effective at keeping my urges to use at bay. Now, my urges to use are pretty high and very effectively fueling my anorexia.

I’ve opened up a line of communication about this with my Refuge Recovery mentor, J, and am on my way to a meeting, where I’ll be able to speak to him face-to-face.

There’s a lot I’d like to tell him but I’ve been engaged in some ‘unsober’ (but non-using) behaviors that I’ve got a lot of shame about.

I shared a little bit about it at the EDA meeting I just got out of, though I still held some things back (yay, shame). I’ll share more at the Refuge meeting, though I honestly don’t believe I’ll be able to share everything just yet.

My mind is pretty fucked up right now. Amongst other maladaptive coping skills I’ve employed in the last few days are purging and self-harm. It’s been quite a while since I’ve turned to either of those. My eating disorder and substance abuse disorder, always loosely coupled, have become pretty enmeshed.

I am confused, unnerved, and a little bit frightened. I have started talking about it, though. That’s the first step to successfully navigating this challenge.

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