I spoke to my mentor, J, this morning. I started to come clean about the crazy shit rattling around in my head, as well as a glimpse of some of the crazy I’ve actually been engaging in. I think we’re going to sit down after he gets off work later. My goal is to tell him everything.
I have no idea if I’ll be able to or not. I hope I can, but it’s scary. I’ve put protections in place to handle things, if I were to, for real, relapse. I don’t want to give those up. I will need them, if I wind up torching everything.
I know now that, if I do self-immolate, it will be a result of subconscious urges. Hell, it’s already started. I’ve done a couple things (short of a full-blown relapse) that could probably earn me a one-way ticket out of sober living and, subsequently, back into addiction. What I’ve done has been discrete but certainly ‘relapse behavior’. If I can’t put the brakes on soon, these behaviors will become more overt and egregious, until I eventually get myself kicked out.
If that happens, all bets would be off (though, I have a pretty good idea of how things would go down, at least, initially). The thing is, if that were to happen, the first few weeks/couple months would probably be pretty fun and very interesting, though I’m sure things would start turning pretty dark not long after that honeymoon period.
I am literally insane at the moment. This can be seen through me engaging in behaviors that I know can and, probably, will kill me. I’m going to try to do the right thing. I really want to. I’m asking for help and talking about what’s going on in my head (very unusual… hopefully, it can help me stay clean).
I’m tired. I want to give up. I will give up, actually. I need to give up to recovery rather than to addiction and stop trying to live in both spaces. It’s not possible. They are mutually exclusive and remaining in both spaces simultaneously is not sustainable.