Duplicitous?

I just finished chairing two meetings (AA and CMA). It’s weird. I did a pretty good job with both of them but feel a bit torn.

I talk a very good ‘sober’ game. It’s just that I haven’t been acting very sober lately. I’m not relapsing, but I would definitely classify myself as a ‘dry drunk’ (‘jonesing junkie’?) at the moment.

I don’t know. I suppose being of service in this way does help my sobriety and seems to benefit the others at the meetings as well. I’ll go back to intent. I definitely have a positive intent in doing this, so I’ll not beat myself up over it. I do enough of that already, without giving myself any more reasons to do so.

On a side note, I managed to slam an Ensure (350 calories) before I headed out this afternoon. It’s better than nothing. I’m on my way home now, with a brief stop at J’s to give his cat some love. I might make a sandwich or have another Ensure when I get there. My (still too low, yet too high) weight this morning just really flipped me out.

Oh, and I met a ballet dancer at the CMA meeting. He looked healthy but, because of his profession and my own issues/insecurities, I almost brought up the subject of eating disorders. I’m glad I didn’t…

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