I do not understand why I treat myself so poorly. I came clean about the fucked up shit I had bouncing around my head two days ago. That has resulted in me feeling like I’m less likely to relapse (thank God). My mind does not like that evidently.
Since my ‘confession’, I’ve self-harmed twice and started starving again (Local time: 3.22pm. Calories consumed today: 0). I literally torture myself.
My brain is hell-bent on destroying the body that provides it a home. I hate being like this. Part of me does want to get better and put all this stuff behind me but I feel so overwhelmed and stuck. It’s at times like this that I wish I didn’t have family and friends that care about and love me. My decisions would be so much easier, if that were the case. The decision would simply be to relapse and, eventually, die (however long that might take).
My current default setting is ‘self-destruct’. It doesn’t have to be and I’m certainly fighting against it. The fight is fucking exhausting, though. I’m really trying not to kill myself, in neither the short term nor the long term.
I see recovery around me and know it will get better but… fuck… How long am I going to feel like this? I guess the plan is to sit, feel my feelings and not pick up.