I went to two Refuge Recovery meetings today. I got to do the equanimity meditation at each one. It was a very different experience.
A little background first… That particular meditation focuses on how we’re responsible for our own actions, can’t control others’ actions and that suffering comes from our relationship to suffering and not suffering itself.
So, this morning I started it and my brain went haywire. I was, like, “Well, if I relapse it’ll be solely on me and my friends in Refuge can use this to not feel any guilt about it.” That just opened a Pandora’s Box of very explicit images and ideas about using down to the “I can use my phone’s charging cord to tie off.” Yikes! I spoke about it at the meeting. I spoke about it with a guy from the ashram and spent the remainder with S (J is in LA for the Refuge Recovery Conference). I had actually reached out to S to hang with her because I was worried about going to cop and didn’t want to be alone.
I think it was a good call. By the time I was at the meeting tonight, I was in a much better headspace and the meditation went much more smoothly.
On a side note, that was the first time I spent an extended period of time with S where it was just the two of us. We shared a lot more about our shit (addiction, mental illness, etc) than we really had before. I learned that her drugs of choice were cocaine and oxy, which gave us a bit of a bond as they are quite similar to my own (meth and heroin). I also was able to share that I actually started on those myself. There was a funny moment when she was dropping me off and she commented on the relatively short half life of cocaine and meth. I corrected her and told her that meth has a much longer half life, actually. I had shared earlier in the evening that, the first time I did meth, I had shot through a gram in about 13 hours. She evidently interpreted that as I was high for roughly that long and then came down. “No.” I said. “It took my 13 hours to use it. I was then high for over three days.” I think that surprised her a little because she didn’t speak for a bit. I hope I didn’t trigger her by accident. I’ll probably speak with her more about it tomorrow and offer an apology at that time. I just know that if my own addict brain were only familiar with cocaine and it were to suddenly learn of meth’s considerably enhanced ‘staying power’, I would have most likely been triggered.