S wasn’t at the meeting tonight. My head is now spinning. I’m in the process of convincing myself that I triggered her last night and she is now avoiding me. It’s like I’m having flashbacks to what I did to N. Fuck. I feel like I am toxic and destroy the lives of anyone I start to get close to. The people I have any association fall into two groups: people I have fucked over and people I will fuck over. I think this is part of why I isolate. The fewer people I know, the fewer people I can hurt. I’ll just be by myself and try to limit the damage myself.