This morning, I was thinking it was going to be very difficult to get through the day without a relapse. Then, while walking to see my wife, the idea of renunciation popped into my head and I felt a lot better.
I’m now on the bus to the EDA meeting and feeling kinda crappy again (though, not as bad as before). At this point, however, it’s more of an “I’m exhausted and want to throw in the towel” whereas, earlier, it was simply the urge to use (I guess that’s better?).
Part of my messed up thinking has got to be related to me not eating enough. I can sorta feel my cognition being somewhat off. I’m tired all the time.
My current (fucked up) rational is: “Oh, it I just use a little meth, I’ll feel better, be sharper and actually have some energy.” I think the slippery slope is “just use a little”. I’ve proven repeatedly that I don’t work that way. Once I start using meth, I will only stop when I’ve gone through every last bit I have. At least I know this. By itself, that knowledge won’t necessarily keep me clean, but it will contribute to my sobriety.