Thank goodness. I spoke with S today, via text. I told her that I thought I might have triggered her and told her I was sorry, if I had. Well, my brain was wrong (again). I definitely did not trigger her and everything is cool.
On a different subject (sort of), I spoke to E a bit today. She admitted to wanting to get high (don’t we all). That’s completely normal for us addicts. I don’t think it’s an indication that she is going to relapse soon.
I, of course, have more doubts about myself. But that is probably normal do. I felt ok today. I don’t know if that’s a follow on of my ‘renunciation’ epiphany I had yesterday, or if I’m just throwing in the towel and accepting that someday (not today), I’m going to relapse.
The last couple of weeks have been difficult, particularly the weekends. I think this weekend may be the hardest yet. I’m not trying to get kicked out of the house, but I’m no longer worrying about it and, to a certain extent, would actually be kind of ok with it. That’s not a good thing. The fear of getting kicked out of sober living has been a major factor in keeping me clean. If that really is going away, the reality of a significant relapse will go up.
I just realized something. If I relapse, I really will be completely cut off from my old life. I’d probably be able to keep my job going, for a while, at least, if I can keep things from not spiraling too quickly. Coming back in, with my tail between my legs, would be extremely difficult. I would be committing to some very dark shit. Hmm. Something to think about…