My Mind is Spinning

Ugh. I took some of my Hydroxycut this morning. Mistake. I shouldn’t be augmenting my eating disorder and it fucks with my head. That, coupled with some of the idiots I live with, is making it hard to work at the moment. So, I’m taking time out to post a little, read a little and, generally, settle my head.

This is one of the reasons I don’t want to be in sober living right now. It gives my brain ammunition to justify bouncing. I know I would be more productive living by myself or with a roommate. The complication, obviously, is the drugs. I’d be much more susceptible to relapse in one of those other situations. Of course, my fucked up brain also tells me I’d be much more productive if I did a little meth. And, honestly, I would… until I wouldn’t. And “wouldn’t” would probably arrive pretty quickly, so, no.

I feel stuck. Staying here makes me want to use. Leaving might make me want to use less, but would make it easier to do so. I try to talk to my wife about it and she says “stay put”. How? It’s difficult enough staying clean when everything is stacked in my favor. Add in these external stressors and, wtf…

I don’t know. Just don’t use today, right? I can do that. But not indefinitely. I need to put myself in a better place soon.

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